The Consonant goes a-courting… ;P
A consonant walks into a bar & sits down next to a vowelly girl.
“Hi!” he says. “I’ll alphabet that you’ve never been here before.”
“Of cursive I have,” she replies. “I comma here, like, all the time. For me, it’s parse for the course.”
The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl’s letter-perfect charm.
“Here’s a cute joke” he states declaratively. “Up at the North Pole, St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. & Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they’re all renoun Clauses.”
Then he lays on some more dashes of humour: “Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with a semi-colon.”
“Are you like prepositioning me?” asks the vowelly girl.
“I won’t be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won’t you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?”
“I don’t want to be diacritical of you, but you’re like, such a boldfaced character!” replies the vowelly girl.
“Like do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You’re not my type, so get off my case!”
Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.
“Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!” she objects.
“As my Grammar & other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the gutteral. I resent your umlautish behaviour. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!”
“You get high quotation marks for that one,” her smiles, “even if I think you’re being rather subjunctive & moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours.” So he gets himself into an indicative mood & says, “It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me.”
“Are you being passive aggresive?” she asks interrogatively.
“No, I’m speaking in the active voice. Please don’t have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, ‘Metaphors be with you!’ I would never want to change you & become a misplaced modifier. It’s imperative that you understand that I’m very, very font of you & want us to spend infinitive together.”
“That’s quite a compliment,” she blushes - & gives him appositive response.
At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subjet of marriage.
Finally, they say, “I do,” which is actually the longest & most complex of sentences - a run-on sentence, actually - one that we all hope won’t turn out to be a sentence fragment.
Then the minister diagrams that sentence & says, “I now pronouns you consonant & vowel.”
They kiss each other on the ellipsis & whisper to each other, “I Love you, noun forever.”
Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel & their verbs never disagree with their subjects.
After many a linking verve, comma splice & interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods & power contractions, & into the world is born their beautiful little boy. They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle.